In the last hour whilst attempting to write my first ever blog I’ve been distracted by a feed full memes on Instagram which I have convinced myself were written about me.
A video of a pig dressed as a unicorn, trash television in the background and my niece being hyperactive due to me feeding her a slice of cake the size of her head. Now, I’ve shut myself away in a quiet room, with the hope that I can begin.
It’s all still sinking in, I still can’t believe that this time next year I will be jetting off around the world. I am actually being allowed into the big wide world unsupervised for a whole year. I get to do and go wherever I like.
As normal, I have a thousand and one thoughts rushing around in my head and it’s hard to put them all into order so it makes sense to the people that are reading it, so this will probably seem like the ramblings of a mad women… but, it kind of is, the ramblings of a mad women.
I feel nervous about going away and leaving the comfort of my friends and family and I feel nervous about writing my thoughts and feelings down in this blog when I have kept most of them a secret for so long.
For as long as I can remember, I have been battling with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s never been something that I have willingly shared with anyone, not even the people closest to me but over the years I have learnt that keeping secrets, feeling ashamed and dealing with things on your own only makes things a million times worse.
Over the years, I have been on medication and received counselling. For periods of time I have felt absolutely fine and other times I have felt absolutely bat shit crazy! There doesn’t seem to be an in-between with me, it’s all or nothing.
It’s weird how its suddenly become OK to talk about mental health issues and all around us people we come into contact with every day are admitting that they have at some point in their lives struggled with some sort of mental health problem, imagine how things would have been if they felt they could have spoken openly about it before now.
I have been sitting around hoping that the perfect man will fall out of the sky. We fall in love, move in together and have lots of babies. Well… I’m 37 this year and still no sign of this perfect man sweeping me off my feet. I’m still hopeful that it will happen and I haven’t put myself on the shelf just yet but I’m not sitting around waiting for something that may or may not happen, so I’m doing what any other level headed “normal” person would do, selling all my belonging and going over to the other side of the world lol.
I will be leaving in exactly 12 months so I need to save every scrap of money I can, which is a complete nightmare for a shopaholic who is addicted to shoes, phone cases and to be perfectly honest everything. I am also vaguely aware that there will need to be some sort of planning involved in this trip, visa’s, passports, flights, accommodation, injections all of which I have no idea where to start and I’m in no doubt I’ll probably do them all wrong so I might not actually get out of the country.
And last and by no means least I have a year to get this body of mine ready to wear a bikini! My body image has always been an issue for me relating to my eating disorder and I doubt very much of I will ever be truly happy with the way that I see my body regardless of how hard I work or how other people see me.
Issues aside I plan to take the next 12 months as a challenge to get myself mind & body ready for this adventure and what I am pretty sure is going to be the best thing I have ever done. If you decide to follow me on my journey I promise I will be honest with you every step of the way in sharing my experiences with my eating disorder, mental health issues, planning for this trip and the adventures I have when I finally shut my case and get started.
Like Lizzy’s writing? Why not check out her blog at www.curlygirlsdiary.com