Finding A Way to Smile Even Though You’re Hurting

by Poppy

Finding a way to smile even though you’re hurting is a massive part of being a woman. It is us ladies who have mastered the art of being able to hide how we really feel to the people who care about us the most. Even though it makes us feel better for a temporary amount of time, it is extremely damaging in the long run.

The fact that we have to hide how we feel should send out a red flag to us in the first place. I have to hide how I feel on a daily basis, how I feel about my childhood; how I feel about where I am in my life now; how I feel about my relationship; how I feel about my body, the list could go on. Regardless of how I truly feel inside, I put a smile on and crack on with my day. But every so often, my old friend called pain pops up to say hi, and kindly reminds me of everything I’ve been blocking out.

As mentioned in my last article entitled ‘Why I Show You The Normal Lady‘, everyone has a story that we do not know about. So when I see people on the tube I often guess what their story might be. I wonder if they are hiding as much pain as I am? I know I’m not the only one walking around with this on my back. I also know I’m not the only one who doesn’t know how to handle it in the right way.
I sometimes think that if my childhood would of been different, would I be the person I am today? Would I understand and appreciate pain and love how I do? Or would I just take love for granted? and truly hate everything when ever I got hurt? My childhood made me the person I am today but it does not define who I’m going to be tomorrow.
My childhood wasn’t pretty, my mum was not cooking in the kitchen when we got home from school, she didn’t tuck us into bed at night and tell us she loved us and to be fair neither did my dad but, he wasn’t ever really there. When he was – it was to abuse my mum. I saw how my mum had to smile through her pain to people that didn’t know what was going on behind her front door. Perhaps that’s why I’ve mastered how to do it? Do we learn that skill at a young age when we don’t even know what it means? That skill is a very dangerous one, it teaches you how to lie, not only to other people but to yourself.

I wish I didn’t have the natural reflex to, when I feel pain, block it out and smile like everything is okay. I often (like most people) vent through music. One song that I related to more then the rest when I was younger was Ludacris – Runaway Love.

I used to lock myself away and sing my little heart out, cry, let it out and with the put on a smile and brave face I would be ready to face the world again. To this day at the age of twenty-five I still sing to this song when it gets to much for me. I still have the same routine… I sing.. Cry.. Listen to Runaway Love.. then wipe my eyes and face the world with a big happy face, the same happy face that hides all my pain … but that happy face is all fake … it’s just smoke and mirrors to protect my scars.

We are all beautifully damaged in our own way. We all have different smiles, different ways of dealing with the pain we feel everyday. I tell myself everyday that no matter what has happened to me, I am the keeper of my own happiness. I decide when and if I get hurt. I don’t let anyone hurt me any-more. But because I’ve blocked out so much pain – every so often she creeps up to the surface to hurt me once again.
But that’s me. That’s my pain. And something I deal with everyday. You have your story, your pain and your way of dealing with it. We are equally unique and equally strong. Don’t run away from it… Face it… it will hurt for a while but then you will learn how to smile for real…
Like mine, your story makes you perfect… We just need to learn to believe in ourselves and trust in our emotions.

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