Why Me? Dealing With Self Loathing Thoughts and the Consequences of Low Self Esteem

by Ayla Johnson
low self esteem

Today has been a real low for me, the day started off good. Up early, went to work… the usual!

But I have the evening off tonight. Most people would love that right? Well right now I’m hiding under my duvet trying to stop myself from crying. I’ve finally let everything catch up with me.

I’ve spent hours in the mirror looking at myself recently, wondering why I look how I look? Wondering if I’m normal?!

I’ve had years of abuse from people about the way I look, like,Β  ‘Why have you got bags under your eyes?’, ‘Your nose is big!’, ‘Why are you so skinny?’ ‘You’ve got fatter!’, with my response being ‘I’ll have you know that I have my grandads nose, something I’m proud to have, I have bags under my eyes because unlike you I have this thing called insomnia and fatigue and I NEVER sleep and as for being ‘too skinny’ I can assure you, I’m not. I have more cellulite than I’d like to imagine. I’ve put on weight for the first time in years, my legs feel like tree trunks when I walk and I can’t shift this belly!

I am crying just writing this knowing how uncomfortable I am in my body right now.

A few months ago I wrote a blog post about how I was happy with my body, well, that didn’t last long. The tan faded and all the marks began to show. The bags, the scars, the stretch marks.. it’s all back. I’ve chucked out clothes and worn baggy jumpers for the last few weeks just to hide myself (although that’s nothing out of the ordinary).

But I just wish people realised what their comments can do to others. I wish I could love myself and my body, I wish I had no marks on my body and that I was perfect… or at least as perfect as the media tells me I should be. But I’m not, and I’m not OK. To quote Jessie J ‘It’s okay not to be okay’ … right?

My current regime has seen me cutting my sugar and salt intake in half and I’ve had one lot of chocolate in 3 weeks followed by a few packet of crisps now and then. I’ve cut out fizzy drinks and all the unhealthy crap that makes you feel ‘bleurgh’.

But seriously, why me?

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