Sometimes when talking to someone for the first time about depression I ask them “Can you describe what chicken tastes like? In as many words as you like.“, often after a brief pause they would smile and come to the same realization as I have had that there aren’t enough words in any vocabulary that would allow a person to fully describe a sensation. And that is what depression is, a sensation that ravages the soul and tricks your mind into believing that it is real, well at least in my experience.
I have been living with depression for as long as I can remember, I have always felt every emotion there is; I would see a person and I would completely empathise, I would feel their sadness and grief. I remember getting in trouble with my mother when I gave away the cooking fat that she had sent me to the shops to get and making me go back to the young boy to get it back! I had no right to give it away but I didn’t understand that and why he had no shoes or had really worn clothes. Suffice to say I got a beating of my life and I soon understood that I had to be tricky if I wanted to help other people. I have no idea why I feel that way but I have always have done, I would feel everything, I have convinced myself that I know what it feels like to be the moon, floating in space, hanging onto nothingness in the vastness of space. And why not? If we can feel alone in a room filled with people, if we attract certain relationships that we cannot escape, need certain relationships to exist, to feel a connection with another, to be the imperfect anchor that balances a perfect world and if we can shine in the darkest hours to give comfort to others even as we suffer.
And then there are the numb days, the days when the brain and heart are disconnected and there are no feelings passing through to meet half way, they body is also out of sync leaving me with no energy, motivation, affection, care or even the vocabulary to translate and emotion into a reaction that is pleasant. It’s like an echo, a sine and cosine wave, up and down, one of Newton’s laws of gravity; what goes up must come down. It is at these depths of depression that turn my reactions into acts of survival; the blame game, blame everyone for everything and try not to think it has anything to do with the way I am feeling at the moment. It is escapism, by anthropomorphising (giving a human form to an object, feeling, another material objects or religious deities) the emotion, I would deny myself the responsibility of rational thinking and reflect all that anger to a particular person as a reaction to an interaction that would have caused me to go over the edge. That is what I call ‘Anger Personified’, yes, I would have reacted in a way to the event but not as dramatic as it would be unraveling right before my eyes and I cannot stop it, it is like a mummer in the back of my head, saying something that I cannot grasp, like watching in 3D a virtual reality show, “I know these are my reactions and they feel valid but why am I reacting like this?”.
As I have grown I have learned to see things in a different light, to watch the watcher, I have become a professional in being me, I have studied every aspect of myself, I know what I have to do when the wave of sadness comes in to swoop me, I would let it wash me, I would feel the sadness and let it be me, I would lay down and let it take its cause much like a cold, I know that I have seasons like a planet, just like the moon, I am sure that it’s barren existence still has moments that would change from one moment to the next and back full circle again or phases of the moon, from nothing to complete and full circle again, I take comfort in knowing that just like the moon, going from a dark night, a slither and eventually a full bright magnificence, that this feeling of depression will pass and I will be free from it, nothing last forever. And I make sure that I remember that on my well days, that I have to enjoy that moment, that feeling, I really get into the moment and make sure I take note of just how elated and vivacious I feel at that moment and then release it but accepting that it too will pass and accept it. The right medication has played a major part for me, I have found a combination of medications that allows me to recover or keep balance and that is key if one wants to maintain a relative constant.
Much like a broken arm or a sprained ankle there are no words that can explain them but they are fully understood even by the ones that have been lucky enough to avoid that painful experience of wearing a cast for months on end and that can also be true with depression, we have all experienced sadness even for the briefest moment, so it would be easy to empathise with a person that is feeling that way for days on end? But I have found that many people would be quick to offer help to a person in a wheelchair but laugh at a person dressed in a night gown and looking unkempt not realising that there is no difference, one has a pain that you can see and the other a pain that cannot be seen.
If you are concerned about the mental health of you or someone you know, talk to Mind on 0300 123 3393 or at their website, here.
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