So I thought a good place to start would be why I’ve decided to get involved in #MentalMovement. I am writing this on my 31st birthday, I am currently unemployed for the first time since leaving university and I’ve spent the last year rebuilding my life after I fairly spectacularly imploded.
Background first though; I had a happy childhood for the most part, with hilarious, loving parents, a bumpy but by no means traumatic adolescence and went on to spend several highly productive years at university. Eventually I conceded that I needed to start making some money (rather than just borrowing it) and went out into the world to seek my fortune.
My life has always been frenetic – like my mind – so I’m always looking for a new distraction. My partner says talking to me is like listening to the inner monologue of a puppy, I prefer to think of myself as a magpie – Oooh! Shiny thing! I’ve dabbled with numerous hobbies and extra-curricular activities including (but by no means limited to) gardening, charity work, acting, rugby, gym, singing – none of which have really stuck, except gaming.
I had a string of fairly successful albeit mundane jobs and moved many, many times ending up in Southampton. Over the last 10 years, my partner and I have adopted a couple of cats, a couple of housemates and another couple of cats. We’ve made so many wonderful friends and had some incredible experiences. All in all, things haven’t been that bad really.
Problem is, I’ve been having these episodes every couple of years since I was about 13 during which all the things I try not to think about, become all I can think about and my world grinds to a halt. My standard approach to dealing with this used to be 5-6 sessions of reflective counselling where I’d cry, complain about how unfair it all was and then go back to my life.
When my current period of depression began about two years ago, I tried the usual counselling but it had no effect. If anything, it made me more nihilistic and I began to detach from my life and the people around me. I withdrew into a world of escapism – my work, my relationships with my friends and family and my physical and mental health all suffered.
After about a year of self-destruction culminating in me leaving my job, some serious interventions from a number of services and the realization that if I didn’t do something to change this I would end up dead, I committed to addressing things properly – with the understanding this wasn’t going to be a quick fix. Since then, I’ve tried medication, CBT, art therapy, numerous groups, 1:1 counselling and recently have embarked on a mindfulness course. It all still feels a lot like trying to distract my mind from thinking too much about things I shouldn’t be thinking about, but that’s a start at least.
My hope is that once I can relearn to focus my mind onto a task for more than five minutes, then hopefully I can start to make the significant changes which I need to stop this hitting me so hard next time. More importantly, I’ve been learning to respect my mind and my body. I’ve had to work really hard just to get on top of feeding, sleeping and generally looking after myself and I’m pretty much back to what I would consider a basically ‘functioning adult’. I’m back to a place where I have hope and am able to accept that “this too shall pass” and as saccharine as it sounds, I’m learning to love myself again.
Every journey is unique, but there is one thing my journey has taught me which I think is true for everyone; you are not alone. Going into treatment groups was the most terrifying thing I could possibly imagine when I took my first steps, but hearing that other people were feeling and thinking exactly what I was feeling and thinking is without a doubt what got me through. Too many of us feel like we’re alone in this world. We all have our own completely unique stories, but the more we share them, the more we realize that the characters and stories might be different, but the themes are universal. So that’s what I’d like to do with you – share my experiences in the hope that some of it will resonate you and may be of use to you on your journey.
