*Please note this article may be particularly triggering for new mothers or anyone experiencing intrusive thoughtsÂ
Have you ever been in between a dream and waking up? That fuzzy sort of feeling? When you’re not sure if you’re actually still sleeping? That was my reality for almost a year.
I found myself, pregnant in my last semester of nursing school with a boyfriend of only six months, LONG story short- I went through- marriage, giving birth, finishing school and a divorce, talk about a lot of life events in only two short years! About six weeks after the birth of my baby, I started to experience some symptoms.
Now, when I discuss this, I want you to know I am going to be as honest as possible, and it may be a trigger for any new mothers, however just know my intentions for this is to help you understand that you are not alone and that what you are going through – I have been through.
Intrusive thoughts about Landon was how my postpartum depression, and OCD started.
I can remember like it was yesterday, and it’s been seven years. I was washing and boiling his bottles, and as I was finished, I dumped out the hot water into the sink. This was not an unusual task as I would do this every morning, for weeks, at this point. Landon was in his bouncy seat in the living room, I looked over at him just as I poured the hot water into the sink, and then it happened. Just like that IT HAPPENED. I saw myself pouring the scolding hot water all over him!
I was so horrified I dropped the pot and stepped away from the sink. I could not believe this thought even entered my head. I chalked it up to being tired and hormonal, and tried to go about my day as best I could, but the thoughts just kept on coming!
I would be changing him, and imagine myself pushing him off the changing table. I’d be rocking him and I see his head bang into the wall. I was even eating a oatmeal cookie one time and imagined it was Landon, all chopped up. This went on and on, for weeks.
I cried. I cried so hard, as it truly hurt my soul, I did not understand why I was thinking this.
I did not want to hurt my baby, at all, ever! I was so in love with him; his blue eyes, blonde hair – I thought he was absolutely perfect. So why was this happening to me? I tried to stop the thoughts, but the more I did that, the more they came. They had completely taken over my life.
I did not want to be near the baby, as I feared so much that I would hurt him. I couldn’t wash his bottles nor change his diapers. I became a zombie, a shell of my former myself. I was no longer functioning, or caring for my son. The intrusive thoughts spiralled, got bigger, and they won, for a long time.
I missed so much of my son’s infancy, because of this illness. I don’t remember his first smile, laugh or when he started to crawl as that time was filled with so much negativity, guilt, and fear.
This nasty disease robbed me of everything good in the start of my motherhood. This was motherhood…interrupted.
If you or someone you know has been affected by the effects of Postpartum or Postnatal Depression, you can find helpful advice on the following links.Â
Prenatal and Postnatal OCD – OCDuk.org
Postnatal Depression and Perinatal Mental Health – MindÂ
