- *Trigger warning; reader discretion is advised, this piece contains very sensitive content relating to suicide
You left this world too soon, you left this world with no note, you left this world in pain, you left this world alone and you left this world without me.
You are up in the sky watching down on me. You’re happy, at peace and where you wanted to be. You are up in the sky shining so bright.
I understand why and I understand that you were suffering for way too long and hard. You were no longer fighting for yourself, you were fighting for us. In my head I understand and I can feel your pain and suffering, my only wish is that I could have done more.
I keep thinking what if? What if we didn’t fight that week? What if I was speaking to you? What if I was there holding your hand, like you held mine? What if we didn’t send you away to get better? What if you weren’t on so much medication? What if men didn’t let you down?
People say to me, “You will get through this” and “You will always be hurting, but it gets easier” but in my head I’m suffering, I’m suffering with my depression and I’m suffering with my anxiety. I just want to stop feeling like this. I just want to be the Hope I used to be and the Hope you were so proud of standing up on that stage when I was getting my degree. I feel like I’m in limbo, I feel like I’m in a black hole and I’m trying desperately to get out of it but – I just need you.
There are days where leaving the house isn’t an option, there are days where my brain doesn’t stop thinking and there are days where my anxiety makes me question friends and family and if they will reject me for feeling like this. There are some days where I am strong, there are days where I think about you all the time and there are days where I am so angry with you.
When I look back on that day, February 17th, I sometimes look at as a happy day as it’s the day you finally found peace in the world, it’s the day you became the brightest star in the sky, it’s the day you became my angel.
But other days I look at February 17th as the worst day of my life, it was the day I lost a sister, it was the day we didn’t talk, it was the day I didn’t get to say goodbye and it was the day I saw my first dead body.
You were laying there and you were so cold and blue. Your stomach was so big and you were so stiff. My tears of despair were running down your face – my warm breath on your cheek begging you to come back. February the 17th was the day we lost a sister, February the 17th was the day Mum and Dad lost a daughter, February the 17th was the day Dora lost her mother, February the 17th was the day family and friends lost their life and soul of the party, the person who could walk into a room and brighten up everyone’s day.
February the 17th is a date where I promised to you I would make a difference becoming the best teacher you know I can be and to make a difference to mental health so people don’t feel alone and don’t have to go what you went through on February the 17th.
But there are days I suffer, there are days I suffer thinking of you, there are days I suffer with my depression, there are days I suffer with my anxiety, there are days I suffer with drinking and there are days I suffer with wanting to leave this earth.
However I made a promise to you on February the 17th and I will try and try no matter how long it takes to do what I promised, just like you tried and tried to get better and to carry on fighting.
“Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you will land among the stars”
“Its ok not to be ok”
“ I love you to the moon and back”
“ Just because you cant see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exists”
In memory of my sister
If you or anyone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in this article or is struggling with their mental health, please see a list of resources, hotlines and help sites below.
If you don’t feel you can keep yourself safe right now, seek immediate help.
- go to any hospital A&E department (sometimes known as the emergency department)
- call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you can’t get to A&E
- ask someone else to contact 999 for you or take you to A&E immediately
If you need some support right now, but don’t want to go to A&E, here are some other options for you to try:
- contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123, they’re open 24 hours and are there to listen
- If you can’t make phone calls – you can write everything down into an email and send it to email@example.com
- contact your GP for an emergency appointment or the out of hours team
- call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)
- contact your local crisis team
- click the yellow ‘I need urgent help’ button on Mind’s website at the top of the screen for more options
- see the Mind UK page on helping yourself cope right now, and on crisis services.
Local support groups, retreats and further help is also available for anyone affected by the loss of a loved one to suicide. Please see the Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS) website for further information on how to find support for yourself.
If you are currently dealing with mental health struggles and want to write about your experience to help yourself and others you can become a Guest Contributor for Mental Movement Magazine. All you have to do is email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and our one of our team will guide you through a step-by-step process to publishing. To read more about this, please see our write for us page.