I have often neglected my mental health and been totally unaware of the severity or the extent to what it was deteriorating.
I was 34 before I began to acknowledge I had a mental health problem not realising I had lived with it my entire life. Believe it or not, I consider myself fortunate to have eventually found some kind of peace within myself. Finally.
My mum had depression when I was born, you could say I was born into it. I didn’t have much choice. When I think back to the environment I grew up with it was safe, clean and I had food but I had no love. My mums depression was so bad she never picked me up or held me often, she was always busy doing something and she worked and as a single mum so her time was stretched. I understand the struggles she faced all too well. It wasn’t until I started to see patterns between myself and my son that I knew I needed to get help with my parenting. I’d never been parented with love, support and communication. I was lacking a bond with my mother and felt a burden to her life, when I should of been a blessing.
I regret much over my life, but nothing can be done to change what’s happened, and I am grateful for my existence and my mother for all she’s done. I know she tried her best. I only want to raise awareness to help women who suffer mental illness whilst raising children of their own. They need as much support as possible, and as so much goes undetected, this can be difficult. Mental health is rising in women and young children and if I’m brutally honest, it scares me.
I am truly grateful for the education system we had back in the 80’s and 90’s when I was at school because if it wasn’t for some of those teachers at the school I went to then I think it could of been a lot worse. They were attentive, nurturing and discerning. They noticed I wasn’t communicating well, they could tell that I was emotionally distressed and they could tell things weren’t so great at home. My mother wouldn’t talk to me, I used to come home from school and she would never ask me about my day, what I did or what I learned and she wouldn’t question me about any homework I might have had. I usually came home had a snack, watched TV and went to bed. I was lonely as I didn’t have many friends, I struggled socially. When I was really young I would go to a foster carer at weekends. My mum would drop me off but I never knew why. She would just get me up, get me ready and take me to this woman’s house. She was an old woman and fostered many others too, I found happiness there because at least I could play with other children.
After this, my mothers mental health only really got worse. Over the years she’d become addicted to Prozac and she would often suffer many highs and lows. I told her many times that I suspected she had bipolar and that she should get help but she would just dismiss my thoughts. Her attitude to life was rather negative and it impacted me greatly, it’s made me think long and hard about the relationship I have with my son and it’s made me want to get health and support with my own problems.
I left home at 16, social services were involved and I felt somewhat disappointed with myself. I honestly thought I was a failure because unfortunately, my mum’s behaviour towards me would often make me feel that way. I am 36 now and 20 years on I am still fighting for support from the woman who created me. I am still seeking nurturing and love. I have accepted she can’t help the way she is and I have expressed my views on what has has been.
I refuse to let the past affect my future because life is beautiful, I only want to support those who have been affected with mental health and that’s why I share my story.
In a sudden turn of events, at the end of 2014 – I won the lottery. As you can imagine, it was a life changing experience for me. I had won one million pounds in the Euromillions. A couple of months prior to this I had been scrolling through my Instagram where a few accounts popped up that really caught my eye, it was “Chakras and Reiki “. I thought wow, this looks interesting. I have to stop to add in the fact that at 14 I took LSD. This caused me to leave this dimension and awaken my kundalini. Naturally, I was always leaning more towards the “woo” stuff.
Back in my twenties, I spent a lot of time in church. At a time where drinking and smoking heavily had become my coping mechanism, it was church that saved me. Sadly, it was also here where certain situations arose that were pretty fucked up – knocking me back into a 13 year spiral into darkness.
Partying, promiscuity, drugs and a whole heck of low self esteem. I felt shitty about myself and my life often and my only saving grace was my job. I was a Beauty Therapist. I loved making people look good and feel better (they don’t call it Beauty Therapy for nothing!)
Anyhow back to the Reiki…I had my third eye open Moon gazing and then started doing some Root Chakra work, then boom within two weeks I was a millionaire! Now since then I have done my Reiki 1/2 and I’m currently working towards my masters. I have trusted people with my money and needless to say some things have gone sour. I have gained friends, lost friends, found love and sadly lost that too.
I have gone onto to developing online courses for people wanting to understand Reiki and I believe if more of us understand who we are and what power we have, we can really achieve in this life and so I write everyday and share everyday so I can make a difference in this world.
I think of myself as an educator and it kinda even feels weird saying that but people are always coming to me asking me questions so I thought I would put something together for people to learn.
Food, fitness and aromatherapy are a big parts of my life and I share that on my Instagram. I want people to know how it important it is to take care of ourselves holistically. I think it’s been my saving grace over the years, stopping me from completely going over the edge when I was living a really hard lifestyle. More self care is needed and especially if you are a mother, I raise Tristan on my own and he knows if mummy needs time out or needs to rest, then he needs to respect that. He is rather independent which I love because it’s teaching him about real life skills so if I tell him put the washing on or make some breakfast, he can do it. I think as parents we wear so many hats and it’s hard just to be who you really are. I can be open and honest with him about how I am feeling and he can have empathy for me, it’s important to keep it real with your kids. It’s one thing my mum never did and it affected our relationship because of it. There are still things I do not know about my mother till this day and that’s both upsetting and disappointing. But I knew I couldn’t make the same mistakes as her.
Now I know everyone thinks that money makes you happy, and yes having a fancy watch is nice and driving a fancy comfy car is nice. I love the things it’s been able to give me, but actually and here’s why I can say that whole heartedly it cannot bring you happiness, it cannot bring you joy. It cannot bring passion purpose or drive. And it cannot create a legacy. If you had told me three years ago I would win a million, found love, lose it, lose the money, lose friends but gain so much more …….I would be questioning what’s more important than that??? I am glad I have evolved.
State of mind!
I have lost much but over the past few years but I have gained so much more. I now have purpose in my life and I honestly love helping people with their lives, helping people overcome obstacles that have been in their way for many years.
I have made peace with my past, I have grown a stronger more deeper connection to my son and our relationship grows stronger everyday. I have forgiven my mother and let go of the pain and trauma I carried around me for over 20 years. I have found peace in my heart, joy in my everyday living and a deep sense of gratitude for this lovely life but most of all I have learned to love myself in ways I didn’t think were possible.
So I write, I speak and I share my life in the hope that it might inspire someone out there to look beyond their situation – to have hopes and dreams and believe in the magic of life. It is this that has helped me the most.
All my love