To say that these last couple of years have been a struggle, would be a serious understatement. The physical acts of divorcing my husband, packing up & moving home and finally parting from him; have been incredibly exhausting and it has taken everything I’ve had.
I have been focused and relentless in starting my life over again, because it was exactly what was needed. I figured I owed myself another chance.
But while all this was going on, emotionally I was on the ground. I painted a brave face on every day, in order to do whatever was required, and give the right impression to those I met. I got my head into gear, as I planned and organised this crucial part of my journey. Because I was taking my first steps in through the doorway of my new life. After many years of what really was mental and emotional captivity, I found my sense of direction again and saw the signs that said “happiness this way”.
I have been plagued with health issues for most of my adult life, a fact that my ex took advantage of. Depression, anxiety, stress, acute pain, food & chemical intolerances were always in my shopping basket. The contents hardly ever changed but they were certainly added to, and the weight of what I carried was too heavy and dragged me down. My ex, doubled the weight with his unkindness, thereby doubling my depression, pain and so on. I was also suffering from bereavement, not just from my mum and sister who had actually died; I had lost my in-laws and step kids along the way.
By the time we did part company, I felt like a damaged and broken woman, bleeding profusely from every pore. But I had to put her aside, while I picked any pieces worth saving to use as the foundation to this next stage.
It is true the saying that “You never know how strong you are…until you have no choice, but be strong”. To this day, I still don’t know how I really it. All I know is that I was driven to save myself, to give ‘me’ another shot.
I had said to my ex on a few occasions, that “I would have rather been on my own, in pain, than stay just so he could cause me more”. But I guess he never believed me, he was still so reliant on my good nature to do the right thing. However, things had changed, because I figured out that I had to do right by me. And that’s how it should be, without question.
It’s 18 months, since I have been on my own, and the best thing is that my home is a tranquil, “Stress Free Zone”. I won’t have anyone bring their destructive, troublesome or negative thoughts across my threshold, to visit me. It stays outside.
It’s only lately, that I have given myself room to reflect on my life before this, and words like mental abuse have now been allowed to enter my mind. But I guess at some point I needed to face up to what really was happening, in my so-called “happy home life”. There was so much darkness back there, with very little sun, like there was a voluptuous black cloud, constantly hanging overhead. I was filled with emptiness and loneliness, I had no one to share my pain, ‘they’, were all still misguided by his charm. They’d been fooled, and not just once.
Now, I am ready to speak truthfully and openly about how things really were. I am now allowing myself to entertain all the flashbacks of situations that had brought me to this point. I have come to terms with how much I accepted and permitted his behaviour toward me, but more importantly I have forgiven myself.
I remember in the early days of my deep depressed, how ‘friends’ would ask, “What have you got to be depressed about?”, “You’ve got a nice husband, a lovely house, a good job, blah, bah, blah”. I used to feel such contempt whenever I heard those words, and I suppose that’s how I felt about people around me, they were still in ‘la la land’. So you can imagine the reactions I got, when I finally announced that I had had enough and was going to divorce the f**ker!
It kills me now, to think that so many of them, strongly advised and actually wanted me to stay with him, because they were ‘worried’ about how I’d cope on my own. I think now they are all equally surprised by just how well I have done, even though they still don’t know half the story.
I make a point of telling people that I am happier now than ever before. That doesn’t mean that I am no longer depressed or have any of the other issues to still deal with, far from it. It’s just that now I am in a much better place, in a much better frame of mind; I am enjoying my life again and I feel like I am actually breathing again.
These last 18 months have felt like a hurricane has passed through my life, tearing everything up and exposing my vulnerabilities, but it has also uncovered my true strengths. I was once told that I was “very resilient”, I didn’t fully appreciate the meaning of the word at the time, but now I understand the truth in it.
One thought that is always with me, is ‘whatever happens, I have dealt with far worse in my lifetime already’. I truly believe that and I live by it. I have always said that ‘my free spirit’, is the one thing that can never be taken from me; she may hide for a time but she will always emerge to rescue me.
And now she is here to guide me as I embrace my new life, and finally set myself free! Sx ☺